Dear Miss Manners: Relative to the longstanding tradition of men proposing marriage to women, and in this day of slow (but hopefully inexorable) movement towards gender equity, I wonder if the percent of marriage proposals initiated by women has increased. Should it?
Gentle Reader: Sure, it should. In a sensible world, it would hardly matter which half of a couple suggested getting married.
But there is nothing sensible about what has happened to marriage proposals. In today’s show-offy society, where nothing counts unless it has received the widest possible publicity, marriage proposals have become performance art.
In what seems like a parody of a ritual that exists mostly in the imagination of cartoonists, the proposal requires the gentleman to be on his knees offering an astonished lady a box containing a ring. Apparently, he is also supposed to arrange for it all to be photographed, and there is extra credit for special effects, such as skywriting. And so that all this effort is not wasted on merely the lady, the couple’s friends and relatives may be invited to make surprise appearances.
There is always the possibility of high drama if the proposal is refused. But generally, this is a staged event by couples who have already agreed to marry. That, alone, constitutes an engagement. Yet they claim that they are not engaged until this rite is performed.
That Miss Manners finds this laughable will not — and should not — discourage those who enjoy it. But she will point out that this pseudo-retro act is firmly cast by gender roles.
Dear Miss Manners: My young teen grandson has a steady girlfriend who is bright, beautiful and caring, and who makes my grandson happy.
They went to a school dance, and my daughter bought my grandson a special outfit for it. His girlfriend was lovely, but was wearing something that was clearly less than new. Of course, they had a wonderful evening. (Just for background: Yes, there is an economic difference between the two households.)
The prom is coming up, and I would love to give this young woman the prom dress of her choosing. It would warm my heart, but I don’t know how to suggest it or if I even should. There was a time in my life when I didn’t have something nice to wear to the prom.
Your thoughts? A gift card? A faux lottery win? I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Gentle Reader: Then please do not let this young lady know that you considered her shabbily dressed. Miss Manners knows that you mean it kindly, but offering to upgrade the wardrobe of your grandson’s teenage girlfriend is so out of proportion to the situation as to likely embarrass her and her family.
Her parents, or the girl herself, may well be offended at the notion that her family cannot afford to meet your family’s dress standards. They may feel that such a gesture leaves her indebted to you, with the implication that she is not free to break off the relationship if she ever wants to.
And she may do so, if she cannot help thinking that the young man was ashamed enough of her appearance to appeal to his family.
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