Editor’s Note: Early Thursday morning, a letter postmarked Garland arrived in our offices. Its surprising contents suggest a testimonial from a recently incarcerated newsmaker. We share the note in full below.
I was just trying to lie low. You might think that would be easy for me since I’m — you know — a snake. But life on the lam is harder than you think.
When I escaped from my enclosure in Garland on Friday night, I knew I had to stay off the grid. I couldn’t book a flight, rent a car, cross international borders or use a credit card, because the authorities are everywhere. It’s tough to blend into the suburbs when you’re 15 feet long and tubular. A disguise takes more than slipping on a garter and a feather boa.
Also, I was unfamiliar with my surroundings. I’m not even from here. I’m a stranger in a strange land.
Still, I had big plans for the future. If I was lucky, I could rendezvous with the Coppell alligator and Grand Prairie cobra. Those guys are cold-blooded experts at evading capture. I’ve read about their exploits in the newspaper. GPC — the OG of exotic pet escapees — is such a baller he even has a social media , even if he hasn’t posted in more than a year. I’m worried he may have struck out across a freeway and met a dualie pickup. We snakes are pretty fearsome, but we’re nothing compared to Texas drivers.
If I could make with those two, I thought, they could tip the scales in my favor. Once on my feet (well, you know what I mean), I was confident I could make an honest living in computer science. After all, I’m an expert in Python.
My best hope was that anyone who saw me mistook me for a fire hose, or was too afraid to say anything. But I had to shed those plans when Alejandro Jaramillo from Garland Animal Services showed up with his nets and hooks. That guy is relentless. After two hours of struggle, we were both rattled.
Eventually, Jaramillo’s commitment to his civic duty won out. I’m back home now. But if I ever get out again, I’m gonna do things differently. Either slither faster or give more hugs.